She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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