dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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