True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
