Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize
