Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
