Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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