haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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