my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
