i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
