my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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