i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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