I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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