he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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