all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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