She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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