You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
