Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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