You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
