You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
