My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
