Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
