I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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