why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
