Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
