Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
