Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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