Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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