Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
