they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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