btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
