And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
