Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
