I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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