mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
