i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
