I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
