what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
A+ Viking dick
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
