I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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