it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I smell like Dick and happiness
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
