My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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