You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
