Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
