Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
