You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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