12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
