He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
