i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
