my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
