Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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