i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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