oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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